Living With Katie ~ my Transgender Husband
100How Do I Cope With Being Married to My Transgender Husband??
I've only been married 18 short years. Raising 3 children, working, living, breathing, loving, existing in the same space as my husband for 18 whole years and I never imagined once that he was a woman trapped in a man's body. That is until he blurted it out six months ago. At first I thought he was joking but realised quickly he was deadly serious. My instinctive reaction was to laugh at him and then to instantly regret it. My next reaction was nothing. That part I'm proud of. Not reacting that is. I've spent the better part of my life reacting and succumbing to automatic response and inevitably feeling remorsefull afterwards. I simply shut my mouth and looked at him blankly for a full 2 or 3 minutes. He asked me if I was o.k. and I just nodded. Meanwhile thinking heavens above ... is it o.k.?? I love him of course it's o.k... But I was stunned that I'd never noticed anything at all that might lead me to think he was anything other than the hardworking, footy loving, ball of muscle, ladies man I'd always assumed he was. And there's that hideous little word ~ assumed. The phrase "assume nothing" or that "nothing is ever as it seems" has never taken on such gigantic proportions in my humble opinion.
In my heart I knew from the very minute he told me that it was imperative that he step up and be true to himself and express himself and be just precisely who he needs to be. He was actually the one who turned around and asked me if it was o.k. with me if he pursued this dream of his. A dream, a goal he called it. Honestly, a dream?? A goal?? This shouldn't be either of those two. This should be his right as a living breathing feeling human being. His right to live in his body and love it ..... to wear the clothes he loves.... to express himself just precisely the way that exhilirates him. Of course it's o.k. with me I told him. But no, he was to change his mind nigh on half a dozen times in the next 6 months about pursuing his change or his coming out so to speak. He didn't want to upset the neighbors, his family, his children. He didn't want to ruffle my feathers or embarrass me at all. It's so hard to describe how I felt when he explained this. It was a mixture of anger, rebellion and sadness. What a gentle giant.... such a giving compassionate kind person that he was prepared to sacrifice his health and longevity for his family. I think i felt anger rebellion and sadness because he was actually prepared to just exist in his designated male body and put up with the self loathing and lack of bounce to appease his family, the masses, society, whoever. It was tough explaining to him that if he didn't step up and express himself and simply be the most fabulous him that he ever could be it would surely crush him and rot him from the inside out. He's my soul mate, my other half, my right arm for heavens sake. I wouldn't be able to breathe without him.... regardless of whether he's got a skirt or a shirt and tie on. Ridiculous labels society sets up for people.
I do believe he gets it now. Six times he decided against pursuing the life changing hormones that would ultimately change his appearance from masculine to feminine. And each time he tried to go against the grain he would turn into a grumpy nasty tetchy fool who was entirely odious to be anywhere near. Finally he's come to terms with it and he's on his way. He's wearing his girly pink nickers to work under his greasy overalls and it puts a really big smile on his dial. Next step is to navigate our way around this unbelievably closed minded Government system so that we can get him started on hormones. One step at a time though. At least he's getting excited about it finally and he's a total joy to live with again.
Sure I'm scared but not because of what people are going to think. I honestly couldn't give a flying rats what other people think about our life. The only people who currently know are myself and him and now anybody reading my trials and tribulations knows too. What I'm scared of is how am I going to feel when his body changes?? How am I going to feel when he starts to lose his very muscly physique and starts growing breasts?? How is it really going to impact on me when he has the sex change operation?? I don't know the answers to any of those questions but what I do know is that I truly can't breathe without him and the very best I can do is to take each minute as it comes and just put my best foot forward and help him with all my heart to find himself. Everybody deserves to feel fabulous in their own body.
Of course I'm also nervous about the possibility of having our house or car torched by insular individuals who are completely oblivious to anything other than their opinion and what they want but really and truly ........ what's the point of panicking if it hasn't happened yet.
They say that 99% of what you worry about never eventuates and both of us are big believers in eliminating the brain chatter and rising above the situation with the power of positivity so maybe we will glide through this effortlessly. I do truly believe that we can't change the way other people think or behave and the only way to deal with negativity and hatred from others is to not react and move on ..... thus not feeding their anger. But all of this I'm pre empting.
I'll keep journalling my thoughts for you to read. I'm so gratefull for the life I have, the husband and children I have and for my continuing health and vitality. I figure the least I can do is share my tenuous shaky steps into the unknown with anybody who's interested enough to read it. I might not be anybody spectacular in particular but if nothing else I am brave. So there you go. I'm journally this for my sanity and to illustrate to anybody out there that you need to follow your dreams as my husband puts it. Without dreams life is just breathing.
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OMG! amazing hub of yours, Minka!..I respect your bravery and confidence to share the story of your life. More than that I do feel that your faith and unconditional love to your trans-gender husband is really inspiring. Your faith and support inspired me to be more supportive to my beloved husband.. please keep writing..wish you guys good luck with the operations etc..and yes without dreams life is just breathing!.. I'll keep reading your hubs to follow the story and give my support to you guys.. :)
Thank you Dingyskipper, it's so good to hear other people's stories... it bolsters my confidence and gives me the pep to keep going...I really do appreciate your response Aktifistri. It restores my faith in the human race when i read posts such as yours. I believe in the power of love... unconditional love and for accepting things precisely the way they are... for to fight against what is can only ever end in misery and grief ... you know, if it doesn't fit with your expectations then work with it... work around it... it's actually so much easier to navigate through this life when you don't have any expectations ... so i'm jumping in head first this time and letting the chips fall as they may... i believe there's always an answer to every issue in this life and mate I'm not just going to rock the boat this time... i'm going to tip it over if i have to just so that my lovely husband can be free ... Thank You for your support... it means more than you know...;0)
Thank you so, Minka, for telling it from your side. I lived with my wife for about 20 years before our youngest graduated high school. We were close in a kind of brother-sisterly way, but it was never what I imagined it should be. Way out of balance, and so was I. I finally decided that I was going to put my existence right and be the person I always was inside, and it was no suprise that she decided not to stay with me. Actually it was me who left her with 20 acres out in the middle of nowhere and I beat myself up every day for it. But I've never been happier (other than losing my family), and am with my soulmate for the last 3 years. And you're right, it can be a little scary for a girl like me at the end of a dead end road lined with relatives from deliverance.
I admire your bravery ma'am. There are not many wives who would be as supportive as you. I know that what you say is accurate. If someone really knows they are of a gender that they were not born with it simply won't go away by wishing it so,if ignored it can lead to such angst and sorrow, such self loathing and despair that in the end usually leads to life ending. your husband is a lucky girl to be married to you.
Please wish her well from me too. Tell her that i think she is brave too!
This is a good hub, well-written and honest, but if this person identifies, dresses, and lives as a woman, isn't "husband" the incorrect term?
Was wondering how you and your spouse are doing these days. You both are brave.
Wow this reminds me of this time when i was listening to the radio. a young boy was telling his parents that he wanted to be a girl. They didn't say he could until they caved in. Now he has gone through surgery's to change his sex life :3 I hope you and your husband/ wife Both get past the gender. Cause I think deep down he is still the man/ women you love all those years ago :3
I say all the best to you. I am lesbian. I have a partner who is female but identifies as male. If we could afford it she would live as she was intended. A male. I understand your dilemma. Having been lesbian for 14 years it is a change to suddenly be with a "male", (even though the parts arent there yet). I dont get to experience "lesbian sex" with her because she doesnt identify in that manner. We use a strap and have sex like heterosexuals. I love her immensely and there are many ways to make love. Your fear is understandable, but your love will guide you. I wish you the best.
You are soooo brave and loving.. there needs to be more like you in this world. Too many negatives out there. I sincerely hope everything goes well for both of you. Great Hub, well told. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been going through something similar. I am a newlywed, and about 3 months ago, my husband told me that he was transgendered. I had a feeling that this was a possibility before we married, so I didn't feel tricked or lied to, but it was definitely a shock. It was painful at first, almost as if someone I loved had died. I wondered, will he still love me? Will we still be attracted to each other? When we have children, how will this affect them? She (as I now call her, which was difficult at first, and now is quite natural) has been seeing a counselor that deals specially with LGBT issues, and will be starting hormones and laser hair removal soon. We have come out to some of our friends, and are just taking a day at a time. It is hard for me, not knowing what our future will be. It's scary. And it is hard to find examples of people making it through this same situation. For every wife I see standing behind her transgendered husband, I see 9 others leaving theirs. And some days, I know why they would do such a thing. The world will look at us differently now, mostly because this just isn't talked about as much as it should be. Lack of information and discussion leads to fear of the unknown, and ignorance. As time goes on, I'm learning more and more about transgendered people, and changing my views on gender entirely. What keeps me going is knowing that she is the same person she always has been, the same person I feel so in love with. Imagining my life without her is so much more painful than anything her transition will cause. And I am still very much attracted to her, (probably even more so now, as she is much more interested in her appearance, and has confidence she didn't before) which I know is a big issue in this situation. I do worry about hate crimes, or family disowning us, etc., but as you said, why worry about something that has not yet happened, and may not at all? I hope your relationship works out, and I hope the same for mine as well. And by sticking by our partners and loving them for who they really are, maybe people in our lives will learn from that and make this whole thing not so scary for future couples. :) Lots of love and peace to you.
It is nice to see others like myself out there. My wife is also going through the MtF process. She has been on hormones for over a year and been doing the therapy sessions every month. And once we get her birth certificate sent to us she will be going to the court house to request name and gender marker change. I won't lie, this is not an easy path. Together we have two children, and she has come out to everyone. We have lost friends and family, either because they thought what she ws doing was "wrong and disgusting" or simply because they just couldn't handle it. And dealing with her workplace can sometimes be a nightmare as they aren't sure how to handle the situation. But every trial we go through, every bump in the road, is all worth it to see her happy. She is my soulmate, and i too would not be able to breathe without her in my life. There may be days when you or your husband want to give up, when you think the oposition is just too much and it would be easier to just live quiet "normal" lives. But dont give up. It's worth the fight. I wish you both luck and happiness.
Nice I'll have to have my wife read this, she is having a hard time adapting to me being ts
My husband of 14 years with 3 young children recently divulged his transgender struggle to me. I'm still flailing. I have so many questions. Like you've all said, he, too, is my soulmate, and I cannot imagine life without him. We are very much in love and have tremendous love between us. We are both devout Christians, and that helps immensely. He is currently off hormones that he has been on and off of for a year or so and trying to regain his manhood for many reasons. He is confused, and I feel too lost to feel like I am any kind of healthy support for him. Would any of you be interested in "talking" with me? I am truly lost
Both Grace and Scottie, i don't have any advice..but NEED someone to talk to!! I've been with my husband for 10YRS, married for 3. My husband 'came out' to me at the beginning of this year and i am STILL struggling. I love him dearly and can't accept divorce as a solution but have no one to talk to...
I have no problem with transgendered people, gay etc but...my husband!!???
Chats would be nice :)
I am moved by your story. Having this put forth in words must have been therapuetic for you, however difficult. I am impressed with your bravery and steadfast devotion to your mate. In all honesty, I don't believe the majority could begin to know how they would handle this, unless and until faced with it. I wish you the best.
Minke, thank you for mirroring so many of my feelings and modeling your unconditional love for this precious being you are married to. My husband (of 3 years, though he is 65 and I am 62) started the hormone replacement process this week (first the testosterone suppressant), and I've been in a black hole of grief for the loss of the man I married ever since. He/she is still in the closet as far as friends/family go--though not for long, I'm sure, as her body changes--so those hurdles are still in front of us. What I miss right now is the shift in my physical response to him--his yang to my yin--and the huge change in the outward expression of our "coupleness". What I'm clinging to is the serenity prayer and the profound belief that he is entitled to be the most fully expressed being she can be! I also try to stay in the moment and not project losses in the future that may not even happen. For right now, though, I'm struggling with deep, deep sadness and waiting for the cloud to lift, so again, thank you for your bravery and for creating this site.
hi i am Shawna McDougall i am Transgender also i am marryed with a wife and a little girl and they are very supportive of me.
I'm like your husband. I was married for 7 years before I realized I just couldn't wait anymore. I "Knew" before getting married, but put it aside, thinking I could make it work. If you asked Chrissie (now my ex, but for very different reasons) she's my strongest defender. I asked her to withhold judgment until she saw the person I could be when I was happy with myself. She did, and she, like our daughter, doesn't want HIM back.
Look up "Two spirited people"... Trans is something the medical community has done to us... Trans have been here about seventy years... two spirited people have been here for thousands of years... there is a lack of education on what this disorder is about... I myself have been diagnosed by the med community as trans... there is some good reading here on hub pages that a writer and myself have been exchanging in this last year... her name is "Izettl" there are three hubs to take a look at and read.." My Father the Transsexual"... "Misunderstanding Gender" and "just because you have boobs, doesn't mean you are a woman"...
Here's my question... if we are women trapped in the bodies of men... what woman do you no would let any man hurt their child... none... in fact I would kill any man including the one I live within who tried to hurt my children... read ... Two spirited people were advisers to kings and queens all over the world... we were holy men and shaman of great tribes.. since the medical community has been helping us for the last seventy years we are known as freaks on the jerry springer show... do not be afraid... your parents were just uneducated... mostly our dads... it's the binary system... we don't fit into it... think about it... "if little johnnie comes in and continues to say... I'm not a boy, I'm a girl" the parents take him in to the doctor and they say well if he's not a boy he must be a girl... " how can the medical community make me more by making me less... I am not one or the other I am both...
hi i know what you are realy going through i my self is a transgender MtF and i am maried also and have one child and been with my wife for 18 yrs also but i camne out to her about 7 yrs ago and her reaction was the same and so was her words but i have been like this scien i was 7 yrs old but i have hiden it for a long time and now i am almost 31 yrs old and she said once i trasformed into Josie that i was a lot happier and it made our relationship a lot better so i know how it feels sweetie i am on hormones and i love it. LOVES AS ALWAYS JOSIE keep up the faith sweetie
I have felt that I am a female since I can remember. My wife has no problem with crossdressing but I haven't got the nerve to tell her yet. I've pushed this aside for my entire life and am now having a hard time hiding it from her. I also have two young kids that I don't want to hurt or confuse. I love my wife and I'm only attracted to women but I really think I need to start the transmission from mtf. I am a woman.
My boyfriend told me he is a man that feels like he is trapped in a females body I want to know does that make me gay if I stay with him because I am very confused right now can somebody give me an answer? I don't want to be gay I never have been but I love him and don't want to lose him at the sametime does this make any sense?
KerrtT-- No, that does not make you gay! Your heterosexuality is just as immutable as a homosexual's, and we long ago stopped trying to "change" a gay man's orientation...it's what you came in with! I'm finding that loving a MtF is complex, however. Reading "She's Not The Man I Married" helped me a lot...not because there were answers to this issue, but because I didn't feel so alone. In respect to my preferences, my husband sometimes "tones down" the lace & lipstick in a sexual encounter, and other times I push aside my needs to make love to the full "her" as best I can. Perfect? No. Loving? Yes. I believe our souls are gender-less, which makes it all easier and the gender trappings pretty irrelevant. If I were bisexual, I suppose it would be even easier, but in any case I'm trying to let go of the superficial and blur the boundaries a bit. Good luck to you!
The reality of being married to a man with gender dysphoria just hit me in the face about a 9 or 10 months. I have been living in denial. Hoping it will go away somehow... that he might recover. I can't understand why someone in that state needs to make the physical change? I feel insecure that it is because he wants to become attractive to the opposite sex. He has admitted he was bisexual as well. So if he suddenly wants to change now does that mean he is ready to move on and be someone else with someone else? As all of you women out there sharing a similar fate I am a mix of complex emotions, anger, embarrassement, sadness... I have thought about getting a divorce, but the thought of a separatin affected me more than it did him. I feel used. He quite his job a few years back, and is now kind of dependent on me. And he spends more on make up than I do!! Sigh... I don't know what to do. So if you are a woman trapped in a man's body, could you please please tell me the objective for wanting to change? Especially if you are in a long term relationship with a women. Why can't you just accept the body as it is, be in touch with your femine side, and be happy? I need to understand this, to be able to accept my husband. Please please someone tell me.
What worries me is that the cross dressing is no longer private. We moved to a new city, away from his family... so now he has all this freedom. And he goes out dressed up...doing God knows what, while I work! Am I stupid to stay on in this relationship? If he is going out... I just take it that he is trying to be attractive to other people. He is not a deceitful person...I can't imagine him ever cheating on me. But... I never imagined he would turn our like this when we got married over 7 years back.
Hi jaded,
I am married for four years now, and have been tg dysphoric (such a nice name!) for about 35yrs. I consider myself lesbian when in my better world! Yes I have had thoughts about men but does seem a bit icky too me. I LOVE my wife dearly, and also my man parts so I don't feel I have too go all the way. I just feel right when dressed as a woman. I can understand the singing queens! Some might call me cross-dresser, transvestite but these would be wrong as I feel more happy as a feminine Person without sexual arousal.
All I can ask for you too think about is maybe that he has been trapped for a very long time, and is still trying too figure it all out. Please be patient, did he ask you too marry him? That was most probably because he loves you!
Your imagination can be your worst enemy or you best friend, don't give up on him.
Maybe just remind him of his duty to his family, and how you feel. talk too him like you talk too your friends .. He is after all a woman inside!!
Have you considered couples counseling? More money out of your pocket but could be very good for you both...
God built our bodies but loves our souls,
I am in the same situation now.... really confused.. is it healthy to stay in a marriage like this?
Thank you Crystal for your comment. Before marrying my husband 4yrs ago I had known that a few years before he had been on hormone therapy with the intent to head towards gender reassignment.He had changed his mind and had decided that it was not the right choice for him and went back to living as a man. When I met him I had no idea of his struggles and would have never guessed so, he seemed very comfortable in his masculinity. 2yrs ago he told me that he was having thoughts about feminizing again. After a few days contemplation I decided that I had no choice but to support him in his journey. A few weeks later, after starting to wear more feminine dress he started to have erectile issues. He put the clothes in the back of his drawer and announced that it was not the right choice for him and really has not said much about it since. The erectile issues stuck around for the next year but he claims the gender issue is not related. I ask him what is going for him and I get short answers stating nothing is wrong and that he is perfectly happy being a man and no longer feels he needs to change that. It has been a huge hit to our marriage. I feel he needs to explore and figure out what that was all about he feel there is no need. I feel like I can not move on or feel close to him if I don't truly know him. We have gone to a number of counselors over the years. I am heart broken and lost and more and more each day I feel like I am dying inside, because I can not connect with the man I love.
To ontheedge--It's hard to explain what's going on to your wife when you're confused yourself...to connect with her when you're not connected to yourself. My husband started seeing a counselor who specializes in working with the trans community (in Seattle) and it has made all the difference in our marriage. As his (her) desire to crossdress, go out, etc. waxes and wanes, when his confusion about gender/sexual identity, hormone therapy, etc. comes up, he has a knowledgeable third party to discuss it with. Otherwise, he knows his confusion would throw a kink in my life, too. The counselor is a huge support of our marriage, and he is able to sort out with her how and what to discuss with me, including erectile & sex drive issues he experiences as a result of the hormone therapy. The key is to find a counselor who specializes in the field (google Jana Ekdahl--she does phone consultations, too) and continue to encourage his exploration. Don't give up and good luck!
To whoever stays in the marriage with husband of transgender issue, I am so confused right now. I know marriage has its up and downs, but this identity issue, from my understanding of counselling, it can only get more serious with aging.. What should I do to to accept this then?
i,m in the process of starting m2f hormones.i don,t know what going to happen.because my wife is very much hates what i,m doing.but i,m doing it anyway.i thank she would leave me but she can,t take care of herself.i wish she would understand we need each other,i love her very much.
dingyskipper Level 1 Commenter 23 months ago
My nephew has had a sex change in the last 8 months, he is now rebbecca tracy. he was fortunate in not being married and having no children, also his employers were very understanding once they realised he was serious.
It took him years to find his way though,he had girlfriends, but not very succesfully, and thought at one time he must be gay.
After making the final decision she has never been so happy